[Rap]

Since we are all drivers of our beloved 968, I thought that this would be an obvious place to post. I will update this post from time to time and others may feel free to add.



Because of my well known superior intellect I thought it a useful service to the members of our forum to pass along advice and knowledge to our less fortunate mooks.



1. When a loved one suggests getting the carpet cleaned it is advisable not to suggest that it wouldn't need to be cleaned if the young grandchildren weren't changed on the carpet.

2. When a loved one asks if a particular piece of clothing makes them look fat, politely inform them that you have to go to the bathroom.

3. When a loved one asks if a particular piece of clothing makes them look fat and stupid, politely inform them to hold on a moment while you go to the bathroom. For those of you with garages you may substitute the response, hold on a moment I am going to get something from the garage.

4. When a love one asks you if you want to dance, politely suggest that she reminds you of Elaine dancing and you would prefer not to because,........ You have to go to the bathroom. Now this answer is fraught with potential short term peril. Disregard the fear of this peril, man up, and realize in the long run you will never be asked to dance again by your loved one.



This is just the first tranche of useful info that I will be posting to you less fortunate's who wander through life making stupid mistakes because you just don't know what to do or say!



More to come.

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[lbpesq]

On my wedding day, my father gave me two pieces of general advice that cover the above and most other similar situations that might arise:



1. If your wife is happy, you have a chance to be happy ... if your wife isn't happy, you're not going to be happy.



2. Don't fight with your wife. But if you should get in a fight with your wife, for heaven's sake, don't win!

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[Rap]

Wise man. Did you follow his advice? lol

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[banditsc]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........



One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

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[flash]

i have to go now and get something to clean up the coffee all over my computer

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[Rap]

Indeed. I'm almost afraid to show them to Liz! Remember my superior intellect? I'm sure she will laugh like crazy. Or I'm making dinner tonite! Lol

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[lbpesq]

Rim shot!

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[ds968]

Having been blissfully married for 37 years I can tell you the five essential rules to a happy life :

1 it is important to have a woman who can take care of the home and raise your children the right way

2 it is important to have a woman who is intelligent , independent, who has a job , and who can also make you laugh

3 it is important to have a woman who can support you in your trying times as well as understand that "boys will be boys" and put up with you

4 it is important to have a woman who is uninhibited and really good in bed

5 it is very, very important that these women never know or find out about one another !

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[Bulti]

It is equally important not to urinate in the bedroom closet when coming home as drunk as a monkey (I have been told).

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[Rap]

ds as usual wonderful. Certainly much easier in a large pond!

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[94SilverCab]

This truth has saved me many times...I always guess 21 years old and 108 lbs...always!



Jay

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[Rap]

Another smart man. But it's not the truth Jay, it's just your best guess! Of course middle aged women are notoriously poor compliment receivers!

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[ds968]

Also, never laugh at your wife's choices , remember...you're one of them !

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[Scott Collins]

I am enjoying this thread greatly. I submit this true story, for your reading pleasure.....



A close relative, who will remain nameless (and witless, and by this I mean mentally deranged), and who I attempt to dodge at every opportunity, once asked a student in her class,



"Does this dress make me look fat?"



The student, who I believe was a boy 9-10 years old, replied,



"No, Mrs. x". She smiled, appreciating his response. The he added, "Your fat makes you look fat".

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[Rap]

Out of the mouth of Babes!

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